*disclaimer… this is long and personal, but I needed to write this for me, just to get it all off my chest. So read if you wish to know what’s been going on with me this past week but if you don’t i won’t be offended in any way…
I’ve been out of touch for a while, with the web and my internet friends. It seems very strange yet almost refreshing at the same time. I almost feel cleansed…which may sound strange. But life goes on with out you if you dont live it, but things on the internet, they’re still there when you get back! I could catch up on everyone thru reading past posts I missed, though the history feeds on MS and FB which i frequently visit. So I really didn’t miss anything. But if I didn’t go away this week, I would have missed a lot!
My grandfather passed away a week ago (Monday). My mom called me at 1030pm to let me know. Before I answered I knew the reason for her call, she never calls that late. It can either wait til the next day or she would send me an email. It’s kinda funny my mom has caught on to the internet generation, so much that we barely speak on the phone anymore, it’s always through email. But when it’s something important or something bad, she phones. It’s so bad that I cringe whenever I see her name on my caller ID! This wasn’t a huge shock either, I knew he wasn’t doing well and was in the hospital. But at the same time, it is shocking! I thought he was getting better, I thought he was going to pull through! And all 4 of my grandparents were still alive. I never lost any grandparents, parents, siblings, even aunts, uncles, or cousins!! The only people I’ve lost were my great grandmother- the only one I did know the others past before I was born, and a couple great uncles (my dad’s uncles) who were all very old and I barely knew, and definitely wouldn’t say I was very close with them. The only person I was close to that past was my best friends mother who was definitely like a 2nd mother to me, so that did hurt. But I was lucky because I could say she was the only one I was close to that died. Not very many people can say that. I always felt sheltered from that grief you feel.
When I heard the news, I felt disbelief. I didn’t think what I heard was real. I knew it was, but I didn’t want to believe it. I stayed strong on the phone, but as soon as I hung up I couldn’t help but cry. I cried myself to sleep with my loving husband rubbing my back comforting me. But I had to get up and go to work the next day which was difficult. It is one of the busiest days and I couldn’t leave my work undone with no notice. But trust me, if I had to fly back home or something I wouldn’t have cared I would have left, but there was nothing for me to do the next day so I might as well get into work. I had a few more cries that day when I had to explain the situation and tell my boss I needed time off. I get 3 days paid bereavement so that helps a little, so I could take Wed-Fri off without worry. So my husband and I drove the 4 hours across state to be with my grandmother and my mother who flew in from MI again. She had just left the Saturday before to go home, she was just visiting when he fell ill and was admitted to the hospital, and she pushed her flight back twice when he wasn’t doing well but then he was getting better so she left to get back to work…stupid jobs and money we must have…
In order to respect my grandfathers wishes we weren’t to have a funeral… which is actually much harder than you think. I think funerals provide the closure everyone needs. Sure its hard, it’s hard to see your loved ones crying, it’s hard when you have to take time off work and out of your busy lives and travel for it, and it can be stressful and heartbreaking to say goodbye. But that is just what you do! And it’s how you let go. I was in their condo for 4 days without him but I still almost don’t feel like he’s really gone!! I know he wasn’t there and I’ve never been there without him, but it just didn’t seem Real. But that is what he wanted. Plus, since we didn’t have a funeral they didnt have to rush with the cremation which really upset my grandmother knowing his body he was just laying there in the hospital gown. And my mom suggested we bring clothes for them to dress him, to make her feel better about it. And my cold hearted uncle said, “mother, he’s not laying there where we left him, he’s in a freezer” gee, thanks for that mental picture, i think that is a worse image for her! Shes sitting there crying, petting his gold watch he never took off which is much to big for her tiny wrist but she’s wearing it anyway, flipping it over and stroking the smooth surface face. She doesn’t argue, she doesn’t say a word. My mother breaks down from time to time, tears welling at the surface trying not to break free. She says my grandmother is holding up stronger than she is. Mom, it’s because grandma has to take her “happy pills” in order to keep from having a nervous breakout regularly. She is very sensitive and a nervous person , I definitely know which side of the family I get those type of traits from! Which i was especially worried about her since she is normally a bit unstable emotionally.
Now, I was worried about my grandma and I like to see my mom every chance I get since she lives so far away but I haven’t been feeling well lately, which just adds to the stress level of all this. So I didnt want to go and be a problem for everyone else. I didn’t want to be a distraction from anything they needed to get done with arrangements. And they weren’t having any type of service and the rest of the family was not going to be there, so she said it wasn’t necessary. So I thought I should be there, but then I wasn’t sure if they wanted me there (another body just in the way and not enough room for everyone to sleep since my mom and uncles were already there) and I wasn’t feeling well so I didn’t want to be a burden. So, Tuesday when I was trying to decide what to do, I prayed and asked God to guide me to what I should do and decided to leave it up to him. The next day I was actually feeling a little better than I had been the past few days weeks and I just had the feeling that I should be there for my family, I wanted to be there. I knew then, that that was the right thing to do and was more at ease. Now because I went, it meant that my grandmother would not be alone for a whole week. With everyone’s schedules coming and going at different times, I didnt know at the time, but it left her Friday alone all day. My uncle from northern FL and TX had already left. My mom and uncle from MI were leaving early Fri morning and my uncle from northern FL was coming back late Fri after work. So it worked out perfectly that I was there on Friday for her.
When we were riding the elevator back up to her apartment, after saying goodbye to my mother and uncle as the cab took them away, she sighed and looked at me and said, “I’m so glad that you’re here.” *heart melts* ok this was totally worth it right there. Then later on that day she was trying to stay busy doing housework and I ask what I can do for her, what I can help with. She said to me, “You don’t have to do anything but just be here.” I knew that she was grateful not to be alone, and I had made the right decision on being there for her.
One of my favorite pics with my grandparents, back in 04 when he was a lot healthier.
And I drove that car ever since! now I’m 26 and finally have a new car all my own!
for the car and my Monday!!
